Hurt

Why does it hurt so much?

God, I wish things were better. I couldn't look at her without feeling so hollow inside.

What had we done?

I drove off, crying like a baby.

Damn it. I have to go to bed. Waking up at 3 in the morning.


...I'm sorry.

Disappointment

Busy day I had today.

Things got even better after what happened tonight...

Overreacted or not, pictures do speak a lot and what I saw was just quite unbelievable.

For the record, I wanted to sit down to talk again after an emotional conversation I had with her last night. God, that was awful. I tried to be so strong only to find tears falling. I tried to move the phone away so she could not hear. Never did I feel so broken.

But, what happened happened and I am nothing but disappointed. No one may ever understand but emotions have incredibly taken me over and they are things I can't control.

Goodnight.

P.S.

Kissing friends is the new 'in' thing!

Goodbye, Love.

Shannon,

Who would have thought that our 3 year-long relationship would lead to this...I am writing you this letter, after getting the chance to reflect and cope over the past few days, to tell you how I feel and share with you where I feel we should go from here. I think we both deserve a sense of closure.

First of all, I want you to know that separating from you was a very hard decision to make. I am throwing away the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I know things between us have not been perfect but despite of that, we have constantly worked very hard to make things work and better. I loved and admired that about us. We fought and we fought hard. For me, I have been nothing but consistently devoted, true, and persistent no matter how hard things became. While my words may have not always necessarily matched my actions and no matter how occupied I have been and become with school and work, I have always believed in our relationship because there is no question that we genuinely care and love each other and it was worth every part of me to keep holding on.

Initially, I was angry and frustrated when you suggested that we take the time apart from each other. Just a few weeks ago, when we had come so close to breaking up, we managed to turn things around and recommitted ourselves with each other. It was not easy to go through all of that but we overcame it and coming so close to losing the most important person in my life became an opportunity for me to make a fresh, new start. But then, after this past weekend, we were back to square one and I was frustrated about your inability to understand why I could not spend the time with you and the subtle messages you leave on your Facebook page suggesting that things will never change for the better. Maybe I overreacted but your outlook and insecurity about the state of our relationship were troubling. I couldn't take it anymore.

You may say that I will never understand. That I may have never learned from my mistakes or that I may have not tried enough. That I may have not given us my all or may have taken things for granted. That I may have underestimated how much you truly loved me or that I may just be making the biggest mistake of my life. You've given me everything and while I wanted you and only you, I have always had so many other things in my life that were equally important. I know that you could only take so much and maybe because it is because of all this that it really is just best for us to go. I know I have my own shortcomings and they are for me to reflect on and cope with.

Despite of how much we truly love each other, you and I have different priorities in life right now. You are ready for a serious relationship and obviously have consistently put me at the center of your life. You deserve someone who is able to devote as much energy and time as you are capable of. On the other hand, while you have also played a central part in my life, my priority right now are my interests and career. I know you may never understand why I've done and continue to do the things I do like getting a second job but as I know you know, these are a central part of me and they are things that I am very passionate about and things that I hope will lead me to discover who I want to become and what career path to take. Please understand how important this is to me and call me selfish or whatever you can think of, but perhaps I am not at the point of my life where as you said, I am capable of putting someone above my work, activities, family, and friends. I have to do this for me.

Shannon, you are an immensely wonderful person. I can't say that enough. You have been the perfect friend, the best friend I've never had. You are beautiful, inside and outside. You were always there when I needed you, even when I wasn't always there when you needed me. It was you who could only understand me in ways no one else could. It was you who inspired me in ways you never even knew. It was you who was always patient, generous, and sweet. It was you who taught me new knowledge and skills and allowed me to experience life like never before. It was you who supported me through the good and the bad. It was you who taught me how great of a feeling love is and that the only way to love yourself is to give your love to someone else. It was you and only you who has made me feel complete.

Thank you for everything. I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for you. We've gone through so much in the past 3 years, through thick and thin and through the smiles and tears. I am extremely sorry for all of the hurt I've caused you and for the pain you're going through. I wish I could take all of your tears and sadness away.

I want you to know that I will never ever forget you and will never forget the times we've shared together. You will always be my friend and an important person in my life. I have utmost respect for a woman of your caliber. I know things will never be the same ever again between the two of us but remember that you can always count on me no matter what happens now and on in the future. As I wrap this up, I am extremely saddened. I will miss you terribly.

Before I end this letter, I just want to take this time to thank you for the honor of being my girlfriend for the past 3 years. Your love, trust, and compassion are ever lasting. You've made me a man by loving me Shannon. And for that, I am eternally grateful. If there was one thing I'd want for you to take away from this experience, it is that you always remember that I loved you with all of my heart and soul. If you can promise me anything, promise me that you take care of yourself and you move forward with your life from here onward. You deserve nothing but only the very best. I don't know what the future holds but I am just one chapter in your life and your happiness is my happiness wherever you may find it down the road.

I will always love you.

With all my love,

Christian

Tiring

Sometimes, I wonder if anyone even really cares or would notice if I just disappeared.

It gets tiring sometimes to feel under appreciated.

You give so much of yourself and somehow, you still come across as the person who doesn't give enough. As if, I am never good enough to be who I am.

I'd like to think that I am better than that.

Showkase was a success!

The 4th annual DA KAIBIGAN SHOWKASE was a huge success tonight!

Thank you so much to everyone who came and supported Kaibigan, our event, and our Scholarship Program.

It was an honor to have all of our performers as well as our headliners, Angelace and Reynard Silva.

For those of you who missed the event, here is a glimpse of what you missed. This was taken during one of our rehearsals and YES, we did it.

Welcome our groundbreaking debut. Check it out on my YouTube.

I've got work at Starbucks in just a couple of hours. Ugh. Gotta go.

Save the Date!

Dear Shannon...

Dear Shannon,

To say that our relationship lately has been far from perfect would be an understatement. It has been far from perfect and we both know that. But through the arguments, misunderstandings, and fights we've had, we always manage to find ourselves in each other's arms because of how much care and love we have for one another. I know that you care for me very much and I can only hope that you also know that I care for you very much.

There is no other person in my life that has made me feel happy and complete than you. We started dating during senior year of high school and man, things were quite simple back then. Up to this day, I still remember sneaking out of my parents' house and spending hours after hours in your car, talking and doing nothing. Over the years, I've gotten to know you better and better and while things have become less simple and we've both grown up as young adults, I have always known in my heart that you were someone very special in my life -- someone who is beautiful outside and inside; someone who could make me laugh; someone who could understand me more than anyone; someone who looked past my imperfections and valued me for who I am; someone who loved me unconditionally. It was hard not to fall for you easily not only because of your charm but also because of the strong feelings you left me with that I have never ever felt before.

I know I've had my share of mistakes in our relationship. Let me tell you where I know I went wrong. Being with you for quite some time, I have at times taken you for granted and have not always taken responsibility for my own actions. I've been too dumb to figure out that I can lose myself in the many things I want to do. I lose sight of how my action and inaction, my insensitivity, my hesitation, my insecurity, my pride can affect the very people that I would never want to hurt, including you. I know I am far from perfect and I know, among other things, I've done a lot of other things over time that have hurt and upset you that I wish I didn't do.

I am sorry for all of the things I've done that hurt you. Please know that I didn't mean to do any of those things to you. I am sorry for all of the pain that I've put you through. You didn't and don't ever deserve any of that. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could go back and take away all of the tears that you've shed.

I can never go back in the past but can only focus on the future and what is to come. It is because of this that I can tell you that you have given me every reason to become a better person; every reason to change who I used to be; every reason to start all over new. It is going to take some time to get this right but this is a promise I make to myself and to you.

You are the one I love, Shannon, and it is for this very reason that I would never let you go. Even after all of the things we've said and done, you are the one I love. I have come close to losing you many times and I just want you to know that I would be a complete fool to let you go. I would not be better off without you because to put simply, you are the most important person in my life. You make me feel complete, piece by piece, and without you, I am not me.

You have been everything that I seek for in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. You are caring, loving, loyal, beautiful, intelligent, talented, gorgeous, charming, compassionate, hard working, understanding, and so many more. You are extremely talented in many things (managing, leading, organizing, piecing things together, cooking, and many others); you have a good head over your shoulders (you are mature and wise); you are independent (you live in your own apartment and manage to make things work out on top of school and work); you are dependable (you are always there for anyone); you come from a good family (and yes, I really do love Midge); you are intelligent and goal-oriented (you make school a priority and you know where you're headed); and so many more. I admire these qualities very much and I am extremely lucky and blessed to find someone who has them. As my girlfriend, you are gorgeous (you always take my breath away); you are a sweetheart (you always find ways to surprise me); you are adventurous (oh the places we've visited and the many more we could go to); you are my best friend (a best friend I've never had); you are loved by my family (my family adores you and you've made my brother and I closer than ever before); you are someone very special in my heart (you are the one I think of when I am sad, the person I go crazy over buying the 'perfect roses' and 'perfect gift' for, the person that is always on my mind); you make me laugh (I love those uncontrollable, unending ones we have once in a while); you understand me more than anyone (I know I can always lean on you); you are an angel (you're always watching over me and you pick me up when I am down); and you accept me and love me for who I am (yes, even my sarcastic-goofy-immature-insensitive-self).

I have always been the kind of guy who relishes on the present rather than the future. Maybe it is because of this that I have never directly told you how I feel about us in the future. But given everything that I've openly said in this letter, I can honestly tell you that yes, you are the woman that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. There isn't quite more beautiful and perfect of a woman than you. To have you and your love with me for the rest of my life would be an honor that I would be eternally grateful for.

You are everything that I want and more, Shannon. Thank you for every wonderful, priceless thing that you are. I am forever grateful to have met you and to have shared my life with you. How lucky am I. By loving me, you've made me a man. If I can have one thing I don't deserve, then I have never wanted anybody else but you.

I don't know how I can ever repay you for everything you've done for me in the past 3 years and for making my life so wonderful. One simple thing that I know I can do though is to be everything that you have been to me. And I promise you that I will. I will always be here for you through the good and the bad. You deserve nothing less. Please never forget how important you are to me and that you can always count on me every step of the way.

Thank you for reading this long letter. These are all merely words and I know that at the end of the day, my actions will need to speak louder than my words. But please know that this letter comes from the very depths of my soul. May this be a simple reminder that you are the one I love and that I love you very much. You have given me every reason to start anew and this is just the beginning.

I love you, now and always.

With all my love,

Christian

Personal Mission Statement

Hi Everyone,

Check out my Personal Mission Statement, an assignment I had to complete for my BA 301 class as we cover business and company mission/vision statements.

I found this assignment quite insightful. It certainly gave me the chance to do some careful and thoughtful self-reflection.

What do you think?

CHRISTIAN ANICIETE

My one-sentence mission/vision: To live life compassionately, lovingly, honestly, happily, and fully and become a responsible contributor to the world.

Words that describe me: loving, passionate, compassionate, optimistic, loyal, down-to-earth, hard working, dedicated, friendly, outgoing, charming, happy.

Things that are valuable to me: family, friends, my girlfriend, my values, God, success, my health, and living life to the fullest each day.

Things that I enjoy in life: love, reading, singing, leadership, public speaking, Thai food, coffee, walks on the beach, politics, chocolate, stars, sunset, intellectual curiosity, working out, smiling, writing, music, dreaming, and living.

The various hats I wear as a person: a college student; a passionate student and community leader; a loving son and thoughtful family member; a loyal friend; a caring, devoted boyfriend; a type-1 diabetic; a part-time employee; and overall, a passionate, loving individual who aspires to live life fully each and every day.

I am a dedicated college student. I strongly value knowledge and believe that education is a key to personal and professional success. Someday, I hope that my future career will allow me to stand out in the workforce while personally and financially sustaining myself.

I am a passionate student and community leader. I believe in sticking up for issues and people I believe in and for fighting for what is right. Two of my fundamental beliefs as a leader are: any one person has the power to make a positive difference, no matter how big or small, in the world and that individuals given the right amount of support and education have endless potential.

I am a loving and thoughtful family member. My family is the very reason I am who I am. They have given me a lot in life and I hope I would be able to give back to them someday.

I am a loyal friend. I place a high value on true friendship and will almost always bend over backwards for my friends.

I am a caring, devoted boyfriend. I have been with my beautiful girlfriend named Shannon for over 3 years. She is an amazing person and she has shown me what love is and how great of a feeling it is. I love her with all of my heart.

I am a part-time employee. I am committed to my employers as well as committed to gaining professional skills that will help prepare me for the future.

I am a type-1 diabetic. Having been diagnosed just over 3 years ago, I place a high value on health and though it will never always be easy, I am determined to continue to live and enjoy life normally while I wait for a cure.

I am a visionary dreamer. I believe nothing is impossible. Through hard work, dedication, and passion, I believe anything is possible.

I have a well-rounded personality. I enjoy being around people and I am always warm and loving to those around me.

I must continue to learn and grow through my entire life. I know that I am not a perfect person but by reviewing my actions each and every day, I hope to learn from my experiences and become a better person. I continually strive to better myself with the various hats I wear as a person.

In everything I do, I am deeply committed to giving my interest, my enthusiasm, my devotion, my love, and most of all, myself.

This is who I am.

We All Need Saving

I missed school today because I woke up feeling very sick. Stuffy nose. Heavy sneezing. Bad cough. Great. Exactly what I needed to start off the school year.

There are a lot of things in my head. I am physically sick from being overworked. I am already behind with school work. My room embarrassingly looks like a tornado came by. My new job is quite stressful and demanding. Most of all, I miss a certain someone. I hope she's feeling well. She doesn't deserve any of this. She means the world to me and I mean that wholeheartedly.

SOS! Someone save me....

I hope I get better soon... :(

Sick

A lot has happened over just the past few days.

My life feels like a whirlwind...

I have a lot of things to do, for school, work, for me. And a lot of emotions within that I don't know how to deal with. My heart feels heavy.

Words that should have never been said came out. Now, I am on the verge of paying the price. Paying the heavy price of losing the most important person in my life. I said I was sorry. But sometimes, that's just not enough. Especially, if it's a repeated mistake. Stupid me. What was I thinking? Have I not learned from my past mistakes? Reality check.

Why does life have to be so complicated sometimes? Or, maybe it's just us, people, that complicate life...

I just want to run away...and come back anew.

I feel sick :(

For The Nights I Can't Remember -- Hedley

*Sigh*

Throw My Love Around

Throw My Love Around
by Jon McLaughlin

"She has the power with every move she makes
To turn my eyes and to turn my fate
To be here, to be here
But i am a liar
The promises i've made have broken down with my broken way but

i'll be here, i'll be here

And as long as i am
I'm gonna throw my love around

I see all the people with broken hearts
In an unfriendly world who cares who you are?
And it's not fair, they don't care
But you are here for me
I am part of the life you're leading
So i won't move without you

I'm gonna throw my love around

I'll be what i have to
I'll be what i have to be"

Thanks for the inspiration, Jon. This song captures how I am feeling at this very moment.

Hello Everyone!

Hi Everyone! Welcome to my first blog here on E-Blogger! I was an avid blogger through Xanga several years ago and have decided to get back to doing something I enjoy but devote little time doing: writing. There is no better outlet than blogging and I look forward to the experience I gain out of this.

For those of you who don't know, my name is Christian and I currently live in Hillsboro, Oregon. I am a student at Portland State University majoring in business marketing. I am an ambitious, fun-loving, and passionate 22-year old who values many things in life: family, friends, leadership, traveling, love, Thai food, Happy Hour, Starbucks, activism, and others.

I have created this blog, For the Record, as a means to self-reflect and get the record straight about my daily endeavors. It is my hope that this blog will carefully highlight the many hats I wear as a person: a student preparing to graduate from college in two years; an immensely active and engaged student leader; a loving son and thoughtful brother in my bi-cultural family; a loyal friend in my circle of friends; a caring, devoted boyfriend to my girlfriend of over 3 years; a part-time employee working as a Starbucks Barista and campus Events Coordinator; a passionate individual who dreams of success and happiness in the future; and many others.

Through my personal insights, perspectives, and observations, I hope this blog will offer everyone a glimpse of my thought processes, decisions, emotions, and ultimately the life I live in the present and on in the future. Please feel free to leave any comments, suggestions, or advice for me to read!